Orcs and Demons (prelude)

Сообщение от 1001369

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Сообщение от Monday

Wall of Text hits Benzene for 1032842930842 (2398472394 overkill).

No seriously, this is a rather large block. Two things I noticed right off the bat that might help:

Hard line break. Don't just head to another line, do a double enter so there's a line of empty space between each paragraph. It makes them much, much easier to read. Honestly, this looks like it was written in Word and then copypasta'd over without changing any of the formatting, which is not a recipe for good things.
Secondly, make sure to head to a new line each time someone new speaks.

Example:

"Blah blah," said person 1.

"Blurgh?" replied person 2.

"Herp derp," person 1 insisted.

"Hur dur," person 3 interjected.

It's much easier to keep track of who's saying what and what's going on when dialogue is separated.

Сообщение от 1001369

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Сообщение от HiVolt

Okay. So, not bad. I like where you're going with it, but I think that a title change is in order. Instead of focusing on Rommash, you should focus on each brother. Every other chapter/page could be from the point of view of the other brother. Like, this one was mainly about Rommash, the next should focus on Marrosh. You should really explore the idea of them having been separated for what seems like the first time, and how they deal with the emotion that surrounds an ordeal like that. Of course, throwing in some good battle scenes with each all the while. I know you've already written the second part, and I don't know if that's the way you're going with it, as I haven't read the follow-up yet, but I really think that's the most interesting route you could take.

Also, you've got a ton of grammar and formatting problems. Sorry to be a stickler, but if you want your fan-fiction to read well, you really need to take care of those problems. Word choice, organization, flow... you really need to work on those things. Specifically, you've got to stop the whole starting the dialogue with, "X said:" thing. It tends to read like a script for a movie when you do that. This is a narrative, so you have to be more organic with your speech indicators.

You've also got a problem with not fleshing out the characters. With what you have so far, they seem pretty flat.

Your original work is in normal text, my edits are underlined. I know it looks like a ton of changes. But, I promise you that I made all of them in order to help you make this a better story. Please, don't be offended. I added a few things that I think are really necessary to the story, but I think I did a very good job of maintaining your original idea. I kept pretty much all of your original story, all I did was change the wording in most of the sentences, and modified the structure so that it flows better. I will be happy to address the specific problems in your original work if you want me to, but it would take a rather long post, I'm sorry to say.

“Soldiers of the Horde, defend Orgrimmar!”

At the command of the High Overlord, the two brothers charged together. The younger orc swung his axe toward the oncoming line of demons while the older stood behind and threw bolts of lightning toward their foes.

Rommash could feel the lust of battle burning within him. He charged a rushing felguard and engaged the fiend in single combat. His pride surged with his wish to impress the grand Saurfang. As they fought, the sounds of battle filled the air: the clash of metal on metal, the screams of the fallen, the shouts of the commanders.

During the fray, a felhunter attacked on his flank, but it was quickly set back by bolts of lighting and bursts of flame. “You will not kill him so easily, demon,” shouted the shaman over the pitch of the battle, “Watch yourself, brother! Do not have eyes only for your enemy!”

“Fight your own battles, Marrosh, and leave me to mine,” he called back. As the felguard before him fell beneath his axe, Rommash smiled. “You see? I don’t need your help for this fodder.”

Steadily, the demonic hordes dwindled and began to retreat. Saurfang leapt among the stragglers, weaving a storm of blades among them, leaving them eviscerated in his wake. As the battle faded, a cry of celebration sounded among the besieged.

As the tumult began to die down, the High Overlord approached the brothers. To Marrosh, he said, “You, shaman, the Argent Dawn could use an orc of your skill against the Scourge. Their attacks have grown more fierce of late, and we must maintain our presence among the Argent Dawn. Eitrigg isn’t enough to hold Fordring’s ears from whatever poisons the Alliance might be spreading about us. I trust that you will be a welcome addition in the east.” Turning to Rommash, he continued, “And you, warrior. Your skills would be welcome on Draenor… or what remains of it anyway. When we establish our base there, you will go. You will help to take back our homeland from the Legion. Should you survive, you might make a good addition to the Kor’Kron. I expect you to prove yourself worthy.” With a proud salute, the brothers accepted their charges.

After they completed their remaining duties on the battlefield, the brothers returned to their home: a small hut in the Valley of Honor. As they feasted, they regaled her with tales of their prowess in battle. They spoke of the demons, of their comrades, of their victory. But more-so, they spoke of Saurfang, and the duties with which he had entrusted them. Her heart swelled for her sons. It was as they all had wished. They were Warsong, and as such, they lived to fight, and if need be, die in glorious battle.

Later, after their mother had gone to bed, the brothers sat awake, talking. “So,” said Rommash, “you’re going to fight among the paladins? You should bring something back with you. A trinket, perhaps.”

Marrosh laughed. “Brother, I’m flattered. You seem certain of my survival. For you…I fear for you, brother. The rabble we faced today was nothing compared to the hordes that walk Outland. Don’t get yourself killed out there.

Rommash sighed, “You worry too much, brother. The demons will flee from my axe as they fled from Saurfang’s today. I’d say that my chances of survival are greater than yours. After all, I only have to kill demons. You not only have to kill the undead, but you also have to treat with those sniveling pinkskins. Truly, brother, it is I who should be worried for you.

Marrosh laughed again. “Yes, you may be right. I may need to pack a salve to soothe the headaches that come with such diplomacy.” They continued to talk for a while into the night, until it came time for Marrosh to part ways. He was destined for a zeppelin to the Eastern Kingdoms at dawn. In solemn silence, Rommash helped him pack his things, and saw him off as the sun rose above Orgrimmar.

In the weeks following his elder brother’s departure, Rommash continued his training. After a month, he said goodbye to his mother to begin his own journey eastward, to the Dark Portal. Before he embarked, his mother presented him with a small care package and a tabard bearing the mark of the Warsong. “Son, bring honor to the clan,” she said, giving him a gentle kiss as he left.

As he boarded the zeppelin to Stranglethorn, he requested a favor of one of the guards. “I’m being stationed in Thrallmar. My mother lives in the Valley of Honor. Watch over her for me, brother.” The guard nodded and gazed after him as the zeppelin pulled away from its dock and faded into the distance.

His wolf panted breathlessly as Rommash neared the portal. It was immense. He had no idea that the Horde of old could build something so large, so impressive. It made him proud to be serving the mission he was now undertaking. As he passed by the command post, he was given his official orders. He quickly looked them over and put them into his saddlebag.

The portal towered over him. It made him feel dizzy and nervous. His wolf reared back, wary of the strange method of transport. Calming the beast, Rammosh reigned forward, through the portal to the home of his ancestors.

Сообщение от 1001369

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Сообщение от HiVolt

Ok, thanks. Gonna rework the next part. For the Marrosh/Rommash thing, if you have read my RPing, what is going to happen to Marrosh is pretty obvious.

Using the spoiler tag here to try and help you retain some surprise with this idea:
I haven't, but I would assume that you're planning on making him into a death knight. I would advise against it unless it's absolutely crucial to his story, and the story of these two brothers. Happy or bittersweet endings can be just as good as sad ones. It's all in the delivery. I would love to see a reunion between these two, back at their home in Orgrimmar. The bittersweet could be something like their mother dying while they've been at war.

The fact is that Marrosh would be pretty stale in a constant fight against waves of undead, to which I do not see much potential, but I want to focus on Rommash until the end (which I have already planned up). Ofc, what exactly happened to Marrosh is gonna be told at the end.
I absolutely agree that constant battle wouldn't be a good route to take with Marrosh. Instead, I think his part of the story should focus more on diplomacy and the emotional toll of being separated from his home and family, and on the desperate situation of the elements in the Plaguelands(if that's where you're sending him). With Rammosh, you could touch on those aspects, but his character definitely isn't one that seems like he would spend much time thinking on those things, so it'd be fine to do it less with him.
The brother separation part seems interesting, but I'm planning to introduce a few more characters.That could help, but it could also hurt. I noticed how you tried to introduce Rammosh's troll friend. The problem was with the way you did it. You brought him in with one line, never named him, and never gave him any in-depth interaction with Rammosh. Whenever you introduce a character that will be important at some point in the story, they need more than that. You have to flesh them out and give them a distinct personality or else the readers won't care about them. They'll just be confused by it. I really think that with this being your first fan-fic, you should try to stick to as few characters as possible. That way, you're not trying to juggle the stories of all the characters you want to add, and you don't have to worry about making a bunch of really good, well-rounded characters. Rommash and Marrosh are great by themselves. Sure, you can add in their brothers-in-arms and such, but I wouldn't make the interaction between those characters into a driving force of the work. I really think you could write a much better story just focusing on Rommash and Marrosh.
Also, Saurfang's invitation wasn't to join the Kor'kron, but to train under him.
I understand that, but I changed it deliberately. It's generally not a good idea to even allude to the idea of an original character training under or even greatly interacting with a major lore character. What starts out as a good, well-rounded character, can easily become a mary-sue/gary-stu with a story like that. If he joins the Kor'kron, he will be able to train under Saurfang, but not on a one-on-one basis. It'll basically be a boot camp where Saurfang is the drill sergeant. That way, Saurfang can note his merits and such without becoming too involved with him, and he'll still affect Rommash's life in a big way.

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Orcs and Demons (prelude)

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