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Aftermath-Witchhunt (Part One)
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Skreeran
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I like the concept of trimming down especially memorable RPs into fan-fics. This one in particular I'm very fond of--though it can be cringe-worthy at times when you read your old stuff and see how much you've improved since then... :P I don't think I would write Gurka's dialogue the same way if I were writing it today; it's too human and flat.
As for your writing here, it's certainly good. I think the descriptions could use some work. I have the same problem with sacrificing description to get to the meaty dialogue, especially in RPs. The whole thing feels a bit rushed at times (in terms of pacing, not writing necessarily), but I suppose a lot of that is just because it's pulled right from an RP, where people want to get right to the action rather than focusing on the pacing of the story, so that's forgivable.
Overall, it's very interesting and I'd certainly like to see more.
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Skreeran
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Right, right, I understand what you did. All I'm saying is that in regards to Gurka's dialogue, if Aftermath was a new RP going on right now, I think I would be able to write her better than I did then. Looking back at one's previous works with a critical eye can make one cringe at times.
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