The tales of war

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Сообщение от 316719

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Сообщение от Morec0

Wow... very good. Can't wait for the next part.

Сообщение от 316719

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Сообщение от Patty

I read it last night and didn't comment. It is a good idea with people battling for their sanity, shows the....darker side of WoW, and uses the game somewhat as a microcosm of the world at war, with so many traumatised soldiers.

And like Morec, I like it.

Сообщение от Skreeran

Hmm... Overall it's pretty good. I like the heavy description throughout most of it.

It could certainly use improvement though, for instance:

"Rolf, the strong but not so smart guy" could be rewritten to something the effect of "Rolf, though he struggled at times when searching for a word or forming his thoughts, was hearty in spirit and body"

"Rolf, who was afraid of Hagh's wrath obeyed" might be "Rolf, fearing the wrath of Hagh, obeyed, stuttering a few meager prayers that we all recognized from our days as naive children, when we memorized the simple prayers our mothers taught us, thoughtless of the danger that lie waiting outside the Kingdom."

And "Someone was screaming in pain and his voice scared us all." could be "From the flickering mass of shadows echoed a hideous scream, quickly followed by a barrage of tormented shrieks. The sounds of the man's agony tore at our souls, chilling us to the bone. What spirit we had left began to drain away as we nibbled at the cold, dry bread. As a clouded feeling of terror began to settle over us, I noticed that Hagh was returning to our fire."

See what I mean? You really want to convey the setting and emotions of the scene. ;) Don't settle for good enough, always strive to improve. ;)

Сообщение от 316719

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