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I've known the following joke since I was too young to understand it. I used to make a lot of adults laugh, probably more so at the 8-year-old telling the joke than at the actual joke itself. Anyway, here goes...
3 guys are standing at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter approaches them and says "Hi guys! Just letting you know, heaven is really overcrowded so God's only letting you in if you died in a dramatic manner."
The first guy says: "My boss told me that he'd seen my wife getting around with some other man, so he let me off work early today so I could go home and try to catch her out. When I got home, my wife was standing in the kitchen, panting and sweating. I asked her if anyone else was here and she said 'no', but I started looking around the house anyway.
"After frantically going through every room in my apartment I couldn't find anyone anywhere. So I went out onto my balcony to catch my breath, when all of a sudden, I saw two hands holding onto the edge. 'You dirty bastard!', I yelled, and started stomping on his fingers. It took a while, but eventually he let go. I looked down over the balcony and saw him laying in the bushes, several stories below. Just for good measure, I went and grabbed my fridge and threw it at him! Then I realised what I had just done, and had a heart attack and died."
St. Peter looked at him for a moment and said "Quite a tale! Welcome to heaven!". Then he turned to the second man.
The second man said: "I had the day off work today, and was on my balcony cooking a barbeque. It was quite a windy day, and all of a sudden a strong gust came along and blew me over the edge!
"I fell a few storeys then managed to grab hold of a balcony. Then, just seconds later, some joker came along and started stomping on my fingers! I held on for as long as I could but eventually too many of my fingers were broken and I let go. I fell several more storeys into the hedges below my apartment block.
"While I was laying there dazed, he ran inside, then came back out a minute later and threw a fridge at me!"
St. Peter looked at him, looked at the first guy, looked back at him and said "That's amazing! Welcome to heaven!" Then he turned to the third guy.
The third guy said: "Picture this. I'm in a fridge."
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
It's old, it's horrible, yet it still makes people laugh:
Why are all the other numbers afraid of 7?
Because 7 8 9.
What do you call a thousand lawyers that sank with a cruise ship?
"A good start!"
2/10 Whaaaaa.....? are you talking about?
A guys' best friends are two lesbians. They give him a Rolex watch for his birthday. He was disappointed as he had asked, "I wanna watch."
1. A total of 4000 cans are opened around the world every second.
2. Ten babies are conceived around the world every second
3. Each time you open a can, you stand a 1 in 400 chance of becoming pregnant
3/10. Predictable. I smirked mildly.
When is it bedtime at Michael Jackson's ranch?
When the big hand touches the little hand.
a) I respect Michael Jackson's music
b) I don't
believe he was a paedophile, nor do I know enough about him to really make a call in that area anyway.
2/10, heard it way too much.
A woman puts an add in the newspaper personals, and asks for the following: A man who won't beat her, won't run away, and is great in bed. A few days after the add is run, she hears the door bell and goes to see who it is.
There on her stoop, is an armless and legless man, looking up at her with a smile on his face. "I'm here about the add." He told her and she raised an eyebrow. "I have no arms, so I can never beat you. I have no legs, so I'll never run away." He said and the woman asked how he was in bed.
The man replied, "How do you think I rung the door bell?"
7.5/10. Pretty good.
Two Irish blokes, Seamus and Patrick, were walking home from the pub. After a while, Seamus said to Patrick "I'm sick of walking! Let's go steal a bus. The depot is in the next street!"
"Great idea!" Patrick replied. "I'll break in and steal the bus, you stay as lookout."
So they break into the depot and Seamus waits at the fence. After about 10 minutes he yells, "Hey Patrick, what's taking you so long?"
"I can't find a 33", Patrick replied.
Seamus yells back, "Just get a 30. We can walk from the corner!"
Two statues in a local state park are greeted my a mystical statue fairy. The fairy says to them,
"You two have been exemplary statues for over 80 years here. In recognition of your unfaltering service to this park, I will grant you life for one hour."
The statues look at each other excitedly and run off into a nearby bush and start rustling around inside. They come back to the fairy when they are done, the fairy turns to them and says,
"You still have 15 minutes left, is there anything else you want to do before I turn you back?"
The first statue turns to the other and says "Ok this time you hold down the pigeon, and I'll @#$% on it's head."
Old joke, but I like it:
A man is standing at the gates of hell. Satan welcomes him inside and offers him three rooms to choose from. The first room is completely on fire. The people in the room have severely charred, leathery skin and are desperately trying to keep themselves cool by fanning their faces.
The man says, "No, screw this room, show me the next one." Satan obliges, and takes him to the next room. The floor, walls and ceiling of this room are made completely of ice, and the people inside are completely naked. Everyone is shivering uncontrollably, and those who try to snuggle for warmth immediately get stuck to each other's freezing skin.
The man says, "I don't like this room either, what's in the next one?" Satan willingly leads him along. In this third room, everyone is standing up to their armpits in faeces, however all of them are drinking tea and eating such niceties as blueberry muffins, mud cakes and apple strudel. The man excitedly says, "This room is great, I wanna go in here!"
Feeling very smug with himself, the man wades through the armpit-deep dung to the food table, and selects an iced coffee and chocolate bavarian. Just as he is about to begin eating, Satan walks into the room ringing a loud bell and screaming, "Okay everyone, tea break's over, back on your heads!"
Xd i did not know this 1 yet, it was quite funny. 7/10
A husband enters his home and shouts ''wife, are you there''?
Wife: Yes hun, whats the matter?
Husband: Package your stuff. I won the lottery.
Wife: Outstanding! Should i pack my summer or winter clothes?
Husband: I don't care, just get the hell out of here!
Despite your horrible English, I'll give this a 7/10.
Sticking with the wife-hating theme:
What's the only thing your wife should wear out?
The carpet between the kitchen and the laundry.
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
0/10 horrible and crude.
"A horse walks into a bar, the bartender asks. "Whats with the long face?" The horse replies "My wife has terminal cancer...."
I'm horrible :D
A place crashes onto a tropical island in the middle of the Pacific. The only three survivors are Dave, Geoff and Taryn. Dave, Geoff and Taryn decide that they have to keep going, so they make a life for themselves cultivating yams and fishing for prawns.
After a few years of yams, prawns and rampant casual sex, Taryn is overcome with guilt that she is shagging both Dave and Geoff, and she jumps off of the island's only cliff. Dave and Geoff are devastated, but they realise they must carry on.
After a few months, the lack of sex simply becomes too much, and Dave and Geoff decide that they have to do what they have to do. After a few months of doing what they have to do, they also become overwhelmed by guilt, and finally decide to give Taryn a proper burial.
I gettit, its just not that funny.
I can't think of anything :d
1) A man walks into a bar.
2) A man walks into a bar with a giraffe, after a night of drinking they're both pissed and the man get's up to leave, the barman says, "you can't leave that lying there" he says "it's not a lion it's a giraffe"
Joke 1: 0/10 cause you butchered it. Joke 2: 0/10 also not funny.
Why do some women have bruises around their belly buttons?
There are blond men too.
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