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My boyfriend is pretending to be a girl, am I overreacting?
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Post by
1093971
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
lankybrit
Well,
"I was willing to play with him but he refused to let me unless I'd pretend to be a guy / his boyfriend (I accepted to do so as awkward as it is but he still avoids it), but he says he'd rather play with his Guild and do instances with them."
This is the disturbing part. It does sound like he is too involved in his character and prefers the fantasy of WoW rather than real life.
I don't think you're over-reacting. I think you have a right to be concerned. As to what to do about it? Talk to him? Or break with him?
Sorry, that's all I've got. Good luck.
Cheers.
Post by
seitori
Well, setting everything else aside, I'd say the biggest problem is that he's spending so much time on the game. I lost my job when I was with a girlfriend a couple years back, and I did spend a lot of the time on the game while praying for interviews to come in, but any time she wanted me to do something with her, she was top priority. I even asked her a few times if my playtime bothered her, and she reassured me that whenever she wanted time with me, I gave it to her. Two-way communication is important.
That being said, I'm of the opinion that rolling female toons and dressing them up isn't odd
per se
--especially with as bad as some of the male character models look in the game. I also have a fairly open-flirt policy in my relationships, as well. However, if he's making connections with other women in-game and justifying that to himself by being on a female toon at the time, then there's guilt. Guilt means he knows he's doing something wrong, either by taking flirting too far or even going so far as to make emotional connections.
I'm not so sure spending time in-game with him is going to be the solution, because there are couples that do well outside the game that ended up virtually pulling each others' hair out in-game. Trust me, I was in such a relationship. ;)
I don't think you're overreacting if you simply boil it down. You two should be spending more time together, and if you suspect he's sharing in some intimacy (even if it's online) with other women, then that's wrong. You two need a long talk. Good luck!
Post by
Pathstrider
Tbh, not sure if trolling.(##RESPBREAK##)16##DELIM##asakawa##DELIM##If you're unsure then don't post. If you are sure then report it... and still don't post.
Post by
928340
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
Gone
I'm gonna be honest, I get the feeling that the whole "pretending to be a girl" thing is just some bull&*!@ excuse he came up with on the fly when you caught him flirting with other girls.
Now if he really is just pretending to be a girl and ditching you for wow, try and talk to him again about it and see if he can change. If he doesn't, decide if you can live with that or not, and if you can't maybe you should think about taking a break. You wouldn't be the first girl to dump a guy over a video game, it's actually fairly typical.
I was in a similar situation a few years ago, when I first got into raiding I would blow my girlfriend off a lot to play wow. It was kind of my down time, and I didn't really want her to play with me because we spent time together all the time. We got into a few fights over it, but eventually after a few weeks I took a break from the game and started making more of an effort to spend time with her. For the record this was about three years ago, and we're still together.
As far as the %^&*ty outfit, don't worry too much about it, its actually a pretty stypical thing people have for their bank alts and such.
The fact is wow is an addicting game. It's not as harmful an addiction as drugs or cigarettes, but people do get sucked in and blow off their personal life. It sounds like your guy is being a bit of a jerk, and kind of weird too, but its not abuse, the guy who said that is an idiot.
I wish you the best of luck, and I hope you guys try not to blow this too far out of proportion. Its always sad when people fight or cause drama over something as silly as a video game.
EDIT:
Lol I just remembered, a friend of mine did this same thing. He would play wow back in vanilla and pretend to be a girl. His guild mates wound up buying him a mount and a bunch of gems and enchants, but he would never go on vent, so when they found out he was a guy they booted him.
Post by
Pathstrider
Lol I just remembered, a friend of mine did this same thing. He would play wow back in vanilla and pretend to be a girl. His guild mates wound up buying him a mount and a bunch of gems and enchants, but he would never go on vent, so when they found out he was a guy they booted him.
This part is freaking awesome. Well played to him, well played indeed.
Post by
MyTie
If you are made uncomfortable by your significant other, and dislike dishonesty, and your significant other is repeatedly dishonest to you, why are they your significant other? The answer seems so obvious to me. It's as if you are eating a meal you don't enjoy, and asking what you should do. Stop eating it.
Post by
gnomerdon
one thing to note is,
you are only in a relationship, and not married to him.
the natural thing to do would be to break up with him, or give him a few choices.
if things are this bad already in the relationship, it gets 10 times worst in marraiage.
naturally, he should know what his priorities are. he doesn't respect you anymore or care about your needs.
people change during relationships. if you hoping him to change and become what he once was in the very beginning, it's going to take some work, and especially some time. or he's never coming back.
confront him. tell him you miss his old self, apologize for the things you said to him that triggered this person he's become, and give him a few choices.
1. spend more time with me, and reduce video games to a bare minimum
or
2. 'im leaving you. if he really loves you, he'll come back and apologize, go through a revelation and change. if he doesn't love you, he would do nothing and you saved urself years of heartbreak down the road.
Post by
1093971
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
gnomerdon
i've played as a female, and took advantages of it's perks.
got items, gold, free runs through stockades, scarlet monastary and all.
but flirting with other girls and guys and sending love messages, that's different.
all i did was remain silent, and said thank you and smiled. they just assumed i'm a female.
he probably plays on a RP server. plus who wouldn't want to be a sexy wow female, you get attention. people care what you think, what you feel, and you take notes of what you like and dislike.
maybe only in that game, he's using it as a channel to feel respected, loved, appreciated, and wanted. he may feel it is his only escape to a world that appreciates him, and that is world of warcraft. if that's not the reason, then he's a nut, and you should drop him.
i've been a male for a while now, and finding male dates / mates are NOT in short supply.
edit:
oh god why...
i've been a male for a while now, and as a female, finding male dates/ mates are NOT in short supply.
edit 2:
WTF
AS A FEMALE, FINDING MALE DATES SHOULD BE PRETTY EASY
edit:
...........if you are a female, which i'm not. females have it a bit easier to find potential mates.
im done.
Post by
Gone
First of all, if you care about him and want to be with him then maybe I would suggest trying to work through this, but if you are only staying with him because you feel guilty about being verbally abusive in the past, do yourself and him a favor and just break it off. Relationships held together with nothing but guilt don't last. It will only get worse and then eventually explode as resentment builds up.
As far as talking to him. Just be honest. Tell him how you feel, and how his actions have made you feel. If you feel as if you can't be with him unless he quits, tell him that. If you just want him to cut down on the game and spend more time with you, tell him that.
If you don't mind my asking, how old are you/him and how long have the two of you been together?
Post by
1093971
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
ElhonnaDS
I have deleted this a couple of times, trying to think of the best way to say it.
There are a lot of components to a healthy relationship- love, respect, compromise, mutual understanding, etc. Without those elements, a relationship can become really toxic and damaging to both sides, but sometimes it's hard to give up on the relationship because of the memory of the healthy relationship it used to be. Other times, people who have had events in their past that have twisted their view of how to treat someone in a relationship may not realize that there is anything wrong with what they are doing.
I understand that now, having gained perspective on how unfair you were to him in the past, you are grateful to him for sticking around when you know you didn't deserve that. And so now that he has turned the tables, and seems to be the one who is being abusive, who has withdrawn from you and is on some level making you feel like he is being unfaithful, I think that the natural inclination is, because of your guilt about how you have acted in the past, that he on some level deserved to treat you this way, or deserves your loyalty regardless of how he treated you, and so you owe it to him to stay with him.
But the thing is that whether or not it's "fair" for you to no longer love someone or for you to not be able to handle abuse when you were in the past abusive has no bearing on whether or not you do love them or can handle it. The worst reason in the world to stay in a relationship with someone is because you feel you have to, or that they have a right to be abusive to you. Once your relationship is based on resentment, guilt and keeping score on when one person has gotten even with the other on who has done the most wrong, there isn't anything left to save. All there are are two people who can't stand each other but think that they are doing the other one a favor by being together anyway.
If you love him still, and there are pieces of your relationship that you want to save, then it's ok to keep trying, and to keep working on it. But if the only thing left is a feeling that he deserves to treat you this way and so you can't leave, then you're not doing anyone favors by staying. And your staying should be contingent on him trying to fix things. If he isn't willing to try- then you're not going to save anything.
Sometimes two people have so much guilt, and anger, and resentment between them that it's impossible for them to set it aside even when they care for each other. And so they stay together hoping it will get better, but continue to punish each other for what happened before and make sure that it never does get better. If you as a couple want to move forward, it can't be with him getting even with you for the past by being abusive now. That doesn't lead to anything positive for either of you.
You both have to be committed to having a healthy relationship, or you have to cut ties and start over fresh. But being miserable with each other because you are doing penance for something- even if that was a pretty bad something- isn't being in a relationship any more.
His emotional outbursts, his refusal to let you engage with him there, his fantasy life as a woman on wow- it doesn't sound healthy. It sounds really serious. I don't think that he will be able to maintain this alternate persona and still commit to making changes in the real world, because it's too easy to go back to that fantasy.
I think the thing he needs to do, if he is really intent on breaking out of it, is tell his friends he is a man, and then quit the game. Then, not only is he not ignoring his issues and hiding, but there is not this temptation that if he plugs back in everything will be there waiting for him. If he deletes things they can be restored. If he breaks this illusion of this alternate persona, then he's making the choice permanently.
I would NOT recommend you doing something to break it for him, though. If he is having emotional outbursts even at the mention, then you telling them or deleting things could make him extremely volatile. He has to do it on his own, because he wants to move forward. And if he won't, then you might have to make some hard decisions.
I'm not telling you whether or not you should break up with him- only to evaluate why you're still with him, and whether he is really still there with you. If you figure out those answers, then you'll be able to make that decision for yourself.
Post by
Izichial
You seem like far too nice a girl / person to deserve any hurt like what this guy is causing you.
I'm with the general theme here that the whole pretending to be a girl thing being rather disturbing. It could be anything suggested here, but I can't see how any explanation would be your fault. If he was doing it for laughs / it wasn't something that touched a nerve with him he wouldn't be so defensive about it and the way he's doing it seems... very exaggerated. As in, psychological problems level exaggerated. Has he ever sought help for either something like that, or for gaming addiction?
For what it's worth, me and my girlfriend both played WoW together for a long time plus tried a few other MMOs and I've always enjoyed playing with her. Some couples need downtime from each other, some don't, but that he's flat out refusing to play with you (hell, deleting you off his friends list...? just, wat) feels very off.
Whatever wrongs you've done in the past you've clearly made up to him long since (edit: Elhonna's post sneaked while I was still writing and elaborated on this far better than I could have) with your current near boundless patience with his problems and his downright #$%^ty treatment of you. If he scorns your help and continues to be incapable of dealing with his issues I don't see any reason for you to feel guilty about it. Feeling sad about it is perfectly understandable but that doesn't make it your fault.
I seriously doubt anything you've done could've have triggered his current behaviour. Even if you did treat him badly during last year, shouldn't he be happy that you're past it? If there ever was any problems relating to that the very least he could do is be honest about it and tell you.
I don't think it's unreasonable to ask him to quit, but if he's seriously addicted that would likely not be either well received or feasible in the short term. If you want something less drastic you could ask him to take a break from the game for a while, say a few weeks, and spend more time with you during that period. If he can't do that you've sort of scraped the barrel in terms of minimum level commitment and come up empty.
With the same caveat as Ryjacork, if you don't mind me asking, have you ever reminded him about the happier times? If you have, what'd he say about it? I'll also add my agreement to Ryjacork's assessment that if guilt is what's keeping you, get out. If he doesn't want to fix things between you and/or isn't capable of doing something to show that, you'll just get stuck in a vicious circle of approaching him about it, getting rebuffed, blaming yourself and repeating.
Post by
1093971
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
ElhonnaDS
Good luck Chanchan. Feel free to come back around sometimes and chit chat with us in the Recycle Bin- Off Topic people are some chill people.
Post by
Thror
Damn, all the events in this topic occured after I left work yesterday and before I came home today. Good posts, Elhonna, MyTie.
Sounds like good riddance, Chanchan. I trust you it was a hard decision to make, but you have my respect for holding onto it. I know far too many people who are not strong enough to get out of such relationships.
I'd say ditch the guilt, too. You have nothing to feel guilty for really. You left a guy who has been mistreating you very, very badly, and whatever you have done to him in the past is no justification for what he was doing to you recently.
Post by
Noxychu
Reading all this made me both sad for your situation, but happy you found the advice you needed. I hope his/your experience hasn't soiled your opinion of the game or those that play it. But, after meeting these awesome people here on Wowhead, I'm sure you already realize that some of those players are pretty great. ~
Post by
392412
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
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