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What would YOU do?
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Post by
itascagasman
Hi there, I'm 30, been married for 9 years, 2 kids, all that. So 2 years ago the wife says she doesn't love me like she once did. She LOVES me, but she's no IN love with me. I've pretty much just stuffed it down inside and have become a virtually mindless robot, very little emotion, carry this with me day in , day out, and now I'm to the point I almost just plain hate her for not loving me. Niether one wants a divorce, but jesus, what would YOU do?(##RESPBREAK##)8##DELIM##asakawa##DELIM##Topic closed at the request of the OP.
Post by
pezz
Start a new relationship without getting a divorce?
Post by
itascagasman
Lol, sound advice, but I don't have it in me to do that :)
Post by
Orangutan
I am no expert, so any advice I may hand out you may want to run past either a trusted friend or someone else with more experience.
First off, don't bottle it all up. That's extremely destructive, not only to yourself (got the ulcer yet?), but to your wife and to your kids (they are WAY more perceptive than many people think they are). So you need to get this out in the open. Keep stuffing it all down there and it WILL explode. I'm gonna say couples therapy. Don't be surprised if you have to go through a bunch of therapists before you find one that clicks with both of you.
So let's say that you get it all out there on the table. This will go one of three ways, the way I see it.
1. You get it all out there and you settle things up. Figure out what went wrong and start fixing it and rekindling the romance.
2. You figure out that your differences have always been there and are not able to be overcome. You agree to a civilized divorce.
3. One or both of you don't take it seriously and it ends in a messy divorce.
3a. You keep trying to bottle it all up and it ends in a messy divorce.
One last thing that I don't think comes up in couples therapy, something I don't think I could ever do myself, but Dan Savage seems to think works. Don't always agree with him, but this works for a lot of people out there: Talk to your wife about forming an open marriage. Openly, honestly discuss it. This is essentially the same advice pezz offered, only the way he put it makes it sound like doing it behind her back. Which you say you don't have it in you to do. To which I say, good. No one should run around on their partner. But what if you both gave each other the green light? Bear in mind, this means you BOTH get to fool around with others. If one person in the relationship OKs it because they feel pressured, then we're back to 3a.
She says she still loves you, you obviously still care about her, despite the seething rage. No matter what, I really do hope you try the couples therapy.
Whatever happens, best of luck.
Post by
pezz
Lol, sound advice, but I don't have it in me to do that :)
You don't have to jump into it. Actually I recommend you do what Orangutan said. Give therapy a try (I'm assuming you haven't yet), if you're trying to suppress this. But see a sex positive therapist. You aren't a bad person for expecting intimacy (not as a synonym for sex, just the plain meaning of the word) in a marriage, or in life. Don't get a therapist who says that you are (this is not to say that you should find a therapist whose first thought is, 'have you tried nailing someone half your age?'), just one who doesn't automatically assume the one partner who still wants intimacy is a jerk.
If you do go the open relationship route, 1) don't do it behind her back and 2) it doesn't have to be a two way street. The terms of such a relationship are entirely up to you, so long as both parties agree.
Edit: I'm trying to find a letter from Savage Love addressing this issue. I feel like there's a new one every month but I'm having a hell of a time finding any for some reason.
Post by
killerdinoblood
I personally would go with Orangutan's advice but still,here's mine:
Seez the moment and have a conversation with your wife...a serious one.Talk about life,life without her,life without you and life as a whole.How she feels,how you feel,how do the kids feel.And mainly tak about love,in my view there cant be a relationship without love.Divorce is a last resort option but if its needed...its needed.
Post by
Magician22773
Hi there, I'm 30, been married for 9 years, 2 kids, all that. So 2 years ago the wife says she doesn't love me like she once did. She LOVES me, but she's no IN love with me. I've pretty much just stuffed it down inside and have become a virtually mindless robot, very little emotion, carry this with me day in , day out, and now I'm to the point I almost just plain hate her for not loving me. Niether one wants a divorce, but jesus, what would YOU do?
Well, a topic like this is pretty serious for a video game fansite, but since you asked, Ill try to offer a few suggestions and/or opinions.
First, I really hope you are looking for help and advice somewhere other than here. You have 2 really big reasons (your kids) to try ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to avoid divorce. I will assume that you already know this (Im guessing that is why you didn't divorce in the first place).
My first suggestion depends on your personal beliefs. When my wife and I have faced difficult times, the first place we turn to is God. Regardless of if you believe He can fix it, if you believe in Him, simply get together and pray.
Second, I would suggest you identify the cause of the problem. It is pretty rare that 2 people come together, create 2 children, and then just "fall out" of love. Sometimes it may appear that way, but there is almost always something more to it. If you do find the problem, then do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to fix it.
Third, sit down and discuss what made you fall in love in the first place. Talk about the "good times", and look for things that sparked the relationship in the first place.
You also need to be able to accept the reality of life. Things are not the same at 30 as they were at 21. Real life takes a toll. Looks will change. Responsibility will eat into your "fun". Money is often a major issue. Yes, even sex tends to taper off. But thats part of life.
As was mentioned, divorce is an option, but when kid are involved, it MUST be the very, very, LAST option.
Post by
324987
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
pezz
Stay Together for the Kids.
Pretty sure that song is about not doing exactly that, because the years of resentment can hurt more than a relatively amicable and relatively quick divorce.
Post by
324987
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
xaratherus
Not to disparage the advice that anyone here has given to you, because much of it is sound - but with an issue like this, what
I
wouldn't do is ask for help on such an important issue from strangers on an Internet forum, heh.
We really aren't in a position to understand the full situation, and the advice we can give only covers half the situation since we aren't hearing anything from your wife.
Post by
pezz
I wouldn't
only
ask advice from internet strangers (although a letter to Dan Savage is always a very good idea), but it can't hurt as long as you realize that absolutely none of us are therapists! I assume, anyway.
Post by
xaratherus
I've been
in
therapy, but I've never been a therapist.
But yes, you're right about it not really causing harm as long as it's not your only source of advice. In something like this, though, a marriage counselor would probably be a better resource than Wowheaders.
Then again, that in itself (talk to a marriage counselor) is advice isn't it... my head's gonna explode now...
Post by
166665
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
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