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Misplaced love?
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Post by
gnomerdon
My older brother, whom I look up to the most during my childhood years has hit a streak of bad luck. Although it was inevitably his fault for being in the situation he is in now, he's been asking the family for money. He's borrowed around 2 g's from his parents, 900 from me, and who knows how much from other family members.
He asked how much I was able to give and I told him I was able to give this amount. At the end of it all, I had a sick feeling in my stomach that I knew the money was going away to gambling and paying some bills. Whatever it is, I do not feel pleasant one bit, especially since I am tight on money.
My point is, he's a grown man slowly approaching his 40s and asking money from a little brother in his 20s to provide for him. Should I even tell people I have money? I need the money to provide for myself, and it's impossible for me to say no when they asked for it. Should it always be the nice and kind brother that takes the bitter end of it all? How can you say no to such a request?
Are there any of you that tells your family members or relatives that you are broke and cannot lend money? It seems like all of the handwork that I spend saving stuff, it always gets asked and taken away from me.
Post by
134377
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
ElhonnaDS
I am lucky that I haven't ever been in that position. In my family, we sometimes give each other money, but never really lend it. And it's almost always offered, rather than asked for. I do know that it can be hard to say no to family when they ask for other favors, though, even if you're strapped for time or it interferes with your schedule. I guess it can be the same way with money.
It's hard to know what to say, without knowing the issue. If your brother is in a bad spot because of poor financial decisions or because he went through a rough divorce, it's different than if he is feeding an addiction (i mention this because you brought up gambling). If it's not an addiction issue, then I would say give whatever you feel comfortable giving. You can't jeopardize the stability of your situation for your brother, but if you have the money to give then it's really up to you.
If it's because of a gambling, or other addiction, I would say don't give him a dime. And advise your parents the same. Any counselor will tell you that tough love is essential in dealing with an addict or recovering addict. A lot of family members think they're helping them by giving them money, a place to live, etc. In the end, though, it ends up enabling the person to continue on in their self-destructive patterns, because they never have to personally experience the consequences.
In any case, if your brother has a habit of borrowing money and not repaying it, I wouldn't give him any more. Part of the reason people get to their 40's still blowing all of their money on gambling, or overspending, or whatever, is that they're so used to not being held accountable for it that there's no reason for them to live any differently.
If you do decide to give him money, I agree with Pikey- pay the bill yourself, so that you know at least it was used for something productive.
Post by
Magician22773
I have ran into similar situations many times over the years...with family members, friends, and even some of my employees. It is a pretty common misconception that because I own a business, that I have money to burn. Trust me, I don't, especially with the economy the way it is.
I do however, tend to try, often harder than I should, to help people out. But I did start being a little smarter about how I do it. For example:
I had a friend, that was a "mild" drug user. (Smoked pot). His problem wasn't related to this in any way. A couple months after thay had their first baby, he asked to "borrow" ( I really never expected it to get paid back), a couple hundered dollars "for food and baby stuff". Rather than give him the cash, instead my wife and I went to the store and bought them a cart-load of food, diapers, and wipes.
The same goes for if someone needs money "for a bill". If you are willing and able to help them out, thats fine. But you are better off paying the bill for them, rather than just handing over cash.
Post by
gnomerdon
I bet you feel at times it's better to be alone in the world. The more people you know, the more their going to try to get into your pockets. What a world we live in.
I also did have a friend who wanted to borrow 20 dollars for gas money. I told him I didn't have it because he was a pot smoker. I haven't heard from him since. Then 3 days later, all my friends told me that he borrowed cash from them. He collected over 250 dollars. -__-
The more friends you have, the more the liabilities get. Nowadays, there are only about 2 friends I keep in contact with. The other ones are liabilities that will probably hire a hit-man to kill me if I really did offend them.
Post by
ElhonnaDS
I bet you feel at times it's better to be alone in the world. The more people you know, the more their going to try to get into your pockets. What a world we live in.
I also did have a friend who wanted to borrow 20 dollars for gas money. I told him I didn't have it because he was a pot smoker. I haven't heard from him since. Then 3 days later, all my friends told me that he borrowed cash from them. He collected over 250 dollars. -__-
The more friends you have, the more the liabilities get. Nowadays, there are only about 2 friends I keep in contact with. The other ones are liabilities that will probably hire a hit-man to kill me if I really did offend them.
No offense, but the people I surround myself with are nothing like that at all. If you consider the people you associate to be liabilities, dishonest, liable to hire a hit man, etc., then you're choosing the wrong people. If those are the only kinds of people who will associate with you, then that says something about the type of person you are.
You get back what you give out in this life. If you conduct yourself with positivity, integrity, decency, etc., then you'll attract like minded people. You'll run into D******bags too, but they won't stick if you don't let them. You might not be able to choose your family, but you can sure as heck choose your friends.
Post by
gnomerdon
No offense, but the people I surround myself with are nothing like that at all. If you consider the people you associate to be liabilities, dishonest, liable to hire a hit man, etc., then you're choosing the wrong people. If those are the only kinds of people who will associate with you, then that says something about the type of person you are.
You get back what you give out in this life. If you conduct yourself with positivity, integrity, decency, etc., then you'll attract like minded people. You'll run into D******bags too, but they won't stick if you don't let them. You might not be able to choose your family, but you can sure as heck choose your friends
Yes, I have to acknowledge that I did make a few poor choices in my younger years with friends. That's why I only have 2 friends that I can really depend on if I ever need to talk about something. I didn't really exactly choose my friends in high school, which again was a poor choice but now that high school is over and I'm a bit more grown up, I'm better able to understand a few new things about friendship.
How many friends do you have that you can fully trust?
Post by
ElhonnaDS
Quite a number, actually. I'm not going to sit here and try and count them off, but I have plenty of friends who I know without a doubt would be trustworthy to lend money to and expect it back, who I could count on to pick me up in the middle of the night if my car died or i needed to go to the hospital, or who would let me stay at their house if for whatever reason I lost mine. I know that I can tell my friends something in confidence, and not have it end up on facebook. The majority of my family is the same way- we have some distant relatives that aren't worth much, but we see them 2-3 times a decade so it's not like they're part of our lives. The rest of us are very close knit, and our relationships are the kind where everyone is trying to do as much as they can for each other.
Post by
pioneers14
I agree to some of the above posts. From now on, don't straight out give your brother money. That would not be a wise idea. Instead, go to the Bank, Electric company or wherever and actually pay the bill for him (or maybe a portion if you are tight on money)
Good luck
Post by
gnomerdon
What if in the rare case, they get offended and say, "You don't trust me?"
What would YOU say in this case?
Then again, they should at least be grateful that I will help them with the bills.
Post by
ElhonnaDS
If you don't trust them, there's probably a pretty good reason. If they say "You don't trust me" you can respond with the list of ways in which they have betrayed your trust, the ways in which they have used money irresponsibly and the reasons they have given you to believe this is necessary. And if they're that offended, then they can figure out how to get the money on their own. Don't let him manipulate you with guilt, if you know that you need to do it that way to keep him from gambling the money away. Honestly, if he has a gambling problem, I wouldn't even pay his bills, because he'll never seek treatment.
You don't have to pay someone's bills to help them. Sometimes it's better to actually let them face the consequences of their actions (losing a house or appartment, spending the night in jail, etc.) so that they can really understand what their actions are costing. If their actions never cost them anything, because their family pays the bill, how will they learn.
You don't have to leave him out on the street, either. A lot of people who do this habitually will use guilt "How can yout let me sleep on the street, how can you let me starve, I could die out there, blah, blah, blah" It's perfectly reasonable for the help they recieve to be a couch to sleep on and the ability to eat out of your fridge, rather than you laying out money for him to have his rent and utilities covered in the manner he is accustomed to.
Post by
207044
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
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